‘Runaway’ a music-video triumph

Back from the dead again to review...

RUNAWAY (2010)

Dir. Kanye West

When I first heard Kanye West was directing a short film, I was equal parts intrigued, equal parts skeptical. I was intrigued because it was Kanye’s first foray into filmmaking; skeptical because, well, it was Kanye’s first foray into filmmaking.

After catching “Runaway” on MTV Saturday night, I can safely say that West’s directorial debut is nothing short of masterful – a music video so articulately crafted that it might just be the best thing to happen to the medium since “Thriller.”

Above all, “Runaway” should be praised for its ambition. Let’s not even take into account that long-form music videos are essentially a relic. Let’s just focus on the status quo of today’s music videos:

The “Jersey Shore” version of “I Like It.” Enough said.

But “Runaway” isn’t successful because it’s 35 minutes long and not utterly stupid. “Runaway” is successful because it’s different; because it’s thoughtful; because it’s art.

How many music videos these days do you see and immediately think of Stanley Kubrick’s “Eyes Wide Shut”? “Runaway” is dazzling visually, with set decoration and cinematography noticeably influenced by Kubrick.

While thematically, “Runaway” isn’t quite as layered as a Kubrick film, it’s still head-and-shoulders above the competition. West’s choice to spin the tale of the Phoenix to mirror his struggle to recover from last year’s gaffe at the VMAs is apt, though somewhat obvious.

Still, at the sum of “Runaway’s” parts is a daring end product that sets itself apart from today’s music videos.

And let’s not forget about the music! “Runaway” treats us to nine tracks from West’s upcoming album, “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy,” due for release Nov. 22. Nearly every song sampled in the film is nothing short of awesome, ranging from the glitzy “All of the Lights,” to the marquee “Runaway,” and rounding out with “Lost in the World.” (I’d mention the rest, but frankly, I don’t know which songs are which yet.)

Kanye is a controversial figure, and I’m sure “Runaway” will prove to be just as controversial. He’s a love-him-or-hate-him kinda guy. But regardless of his detractors, West’s venture into filmmaking has done nothing but prove his versatility as an artist, both on screen and in the recording studio.

Oh, and if I may assume based on what we hear in the film, “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” will be Kanye’s best album, or just behind “The College Dropout” at worst. Almost immediately after “Runaway” aired, the album soared to the No. 11 best-selling album on iTunes, almost a month before its release. I don’t want to get too hyperbolic, but it seems as if we’re in for a fine album.

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Watch “Runaway” here:

Agree? Disagree? Holla back in the comments.

Back from the dead to review "Toy Story 3"

I have temporarily resurrected the Scope from the dead to bring you a review of...

"Toy Story 3" (2010)

I don't know how Pixar does it.

How do you follow-up two of the most heralded movies of the last two decades? "Toy Story" is arguably one of the most influential films of all-time -- one that served as the catalyst for the rise of 3-D animated films. And then there's "Toy Story 2" which is quite possibly one of the greatest sequels ever crafted.

So with lofty expectations for "Toy Story 3" -- coming 11 years after the latest chapter in the franchise -- Pixar faced a heavy burden to deliver.

And boy, did they do so, without a laugh or tear to spare.

"Toy Story 3" picks up with Andy (John Morris), the toys' owner, packing up and moving off to college. Andy must decide what to do with his toys, and after a catastrophic mix-up, Woody and the gang end up at Sunnyside Day Care.

The toys of Sunnyside -- including a metrosexual Ken doll (Michael Keaton) -- are under the rule of Lotso Huggin' Bear (Ned Beatty), a seemingly friendly, huggable doll that smells of strawberries. When the toys discover that they'd rather return to Andy than stay and be terrorized by the children at the day care, they plan to escape, only to be halted by Lotso and his gang.

For your sake, I'll stop with a detailed plot synopsis there, but a "prison break" sequence leads up to a surprisingly dark and intense piece at a landfill before wrapping up with quite possibly the saddest 10 minutes of cinema you'll see this summer.

The first 75 percent of "Toy Story 3" suffices. "Toy Story 3" doesn't go into daring territory early -- the beautiful and melancholy first 30 minutes of "WALL-E" and the haunting montage 10 minutes in to "Up" aren't found here -- but once the film begins to wrap up, Pixar hits its strides and (likely) concludes the final chapters of the "Toy Story" franchise with a tearful and satisfying resolution.

Technically speaking, Lee Unkrich's direction is a little speedy, but in the end, it's all forgiven. Randy Newman delivers a score that's a tad forgettable, though franchise favorites "You've Got a Friend In Me" return, as well as some other memorable motifs from the franchise's other two entries.

And the animation. Oh, the animation. Never before has a 3-D animated film looked so brilliant. Not only do the colors pop (even in 3-D), but everything looks and feels exponentially more real than it did 15 years ago. Seeing "Toy Story 3" in 3-D certainly helps boost the immersion factor, but I suspect that even in 2-D, "Toy Story 3" will still dazzle your eyes.

Woody (Tom Hanks), Buzz (Tim Allen) and crew all see reprised voicework from the previous two films, though new characters, like Mr. Pricklepants (Timothy Dalton) round out an impressive new cast, though Michael Keaton's Ken really steals the show.

While "Toy Story 3" might not be as revolutionary as its Pixar predecessors, it's certainly a fantastic cinematic experience sure to test your emotional range. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll find yourself as in love with these characters as you were when you were introduced to them in 1995.

A-

Final 2009 Top 10

I think I've seen all of the films of 2009 that I want to, so here's my final Top 10 list for the year.

10. "Inglourious Basterds"
9. "A Serious Man"
8. "Avatar"
7. "Watchmen"
6. "(500) Days of Summer"
5. "The Hurt Locker"
4. "Up in the Air"
3. "Moon"
2. "Up"
1. "District 9"

Hooray for arbitrary lists.

2010 Oscar Predictions!

I want to inflate my ego by seeing how many Oscar winners I actually get right. I tend to do horribly predicting things, though I do think that I predicted the Super FoosBowl match-ups correctly for a few years in a row once, but frankly, you can file that under "who gives a shit."

I think I suck at these because I hold out hope that the Academy will reward the best in category, not the most politically correct in category, but alas. The biggest question that I have for this year's Oscars is whether or not the Academy will jerk James Cameron off similarly to 1998 when "Titanic" won everything. Truth be told, I'm not so sure it will.

Cameron "O-facing" after the infamous Academy circle-jerk of '98.

Anyway, here it goes:

Best Picture: "The Hurt Locker"
Based on the way that the awards season is wrapping up, "The Hurt Locker" seems to be riding the biggest wave of momentum. If it's not "The Hurt Locker," look for "Avatar," "Up in the Air," or "Inglourious Basterds" for the upset.

Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow, "The Hurt Locker"
Lots of press around this one because it's between Bigelow's tense lensing of "The Hurt Locker" and her ex-husband James Cameron's "Avatar." I expect the Best Picture winner to win this one (and vice versa).

Best Actor: Jeff Bridges, "Crazy Heart"
No contest here.

Best Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz, "Inglourious Basterds"
No contest here, either.

Best Actress: Sandra Bullock, "The Blind Side"
Can't for the life of me understand the love for "The Blind Side," but everything so far points to Bullock winning this.

Best Supporting Actress: Mo'Nique, "Precious"
"Precious" has to win something big. I'm guessing this will be it.

Best Animated Feature: "Up"
This category is loaded. I think you have to give the Pixar film the benefit of the doubt accordingly, though "The Fantastic Mr. Fox" and "Coraline" could be spoilers.

Best Original Score: Michael Giacchino, "Up"
Without a doubt the most beautiful score in the category. I could see James Horner's "Avatar" score running off with this one if this year's Oscars is anything like the 1998 Cameron orgy.

Best Visual Effects: "Avatar"
No way "Avatar" doesn't win this.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner, "Up in the Air"
I lurve the "Up in the Air" script. I hope it wins this one (sorry, nothing particularly insightful here).

Best Original Screenplay: Quentin Tarantino, "Inglourious Basterds"
Tarantino's script for "Inglorious Basterds" is sharp. With that much dialogue - and fine dialogue at that - I imagine it has to be the favorite.

As for the rest of the categories, I can't say I'm too qualified to offer an opinion. Best Makeup? What the fuck?

At any rate, check back after the Academy Awards to see just how right I was.

Oh, and here's my revised top five list of 2009:
1. "District 9"
2. "Up"
3. "Moon"
4. "Up in the Air"
5. "The Hurt Locker"

EDIT: Saw "The Hurt Locker." Damn, what a tense movie. Fabulous direction. I wouldn't be too upset seeing it win Best Picture.

I'm with Coco

Dear Internet,

Few things have sent me into uncontrollable rage.

Jay Leno taking "The Tonight Show" from Conan O'Brien is one of them.

I started watching Conan on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" when I was a pubescent punk. It appealed to my sensibilities. The Masturbating Bear. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. In the Year 2000/3000. Conan's off-the-wall skits.

It was funny.

All I could manage from Leno was his Monday staple, "Headlines." His show was a bore; his monologue tired. His interviews were completely without effort. His sole appeal was to the nursing home demo.

And now this 12-year-running Lewinsky joke is about to take "The Tonight Show" back from Conan O'Brien. In case you haven't been following this story, here's a run-down of what happened:

1. "The Jay Leno Show" got bad ratings.
2. Since nobody was watching Leno's show, the late local news shows on the NBC affiliates had no lead-in and thus received poor ratings as well.
3. Pressure mounted on NBC executives to make a change, and since Conan's ratings weren't at the same place Leno's were when he signed off, Conan became the scapegoat.
4. NBC offered an ultimatum to Conan: Move his "Tonight Show" to 12:05 to make room for a half hour of Jay at 11:35 or leave the network.
5. Conan refused, stating that "The Tonight Show" belonged at 11:35.
6. Conan was forced out, with terms of the settlement giving him and his crew a pay-out totaling $45 million. The settlement also contained a no-compete clause and non-disparagement clause that are in effect until September 1. In essence, Conan can neither host a show nor talk bad about NBC until that date.
7. Jay Leno will return as host of "The Tonight Show" after the Winter Olympics, two weeks of coverage that will lose NBC $200 million, mind you, on March 1.

Jay Leno seen Indian giving "The Tonight Show" to Conan O'Brien.

So why is this all so unfair for Conan? First off, late night shows take more than seven months to grow and develop an audience. Leno took over "The Tonight Show" in 1992. He lost the ratings war to Letterman until the famous Hugh Grant interview in 1995. When Conan started doing his 12:30 "Late Night" show in 1993, his ratings were so bad that he was essentially on a weekly contract. Eventually he became the king of his time slot.

What's worse is that Conan didn't have the benefit of a good lead-in. His lead-in was Jay Leno's epic flop, "The Jay Leno Show." Jay, meanwhile, benefited from having possibly the greatest primetime line-up in television history, NBC's "Must-See TV," leading-in to his "Tonight Show" in the mid-90's.

Why didn't Conan get the same time to let his show evolve and find an audience? It's highly unfair, but that's how the biz goes, I guess.

So why do I care? Because Conan is funny. His skits are great. Conan was zany, which is probably why the Medicare crowd that Leno appealed to didn't watch. Contrast all of that to the dire bore of a "Tonight Show" that Leno hosted, a show that built its legacy on tired Lewinsky jokes and unoriginal comedy bits.

In short, Leno sucks.

And Jay, why not show some respect to a fellow comedian and let Conan develop his show? You had your run.

I guess it should be no surprise that comedians are now coming out and attacking Jay. Conan is respected. Jay isn't.

Now I can only hope that Conan finds a home in September that gives him free reign. Personally I'd love to see him land on Comedy Central. Could you imagine a line-up that goes "Daily Show"-"Colbert Report"-"Conan O'Brien Show"? It would be the greatest late night block of programming in television history. At this point though, it seems as if Conan is FOX's to lose.

Photographic evidence of Will Ferrell doing something cool for once.

Conan's final episode of "The Tonight Show" last night was not only totally epic, going out with a 7-minute rendition of "Freebird" led by Will Ferrell, Beck, Ben Harper, and Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top, but pure class. Conan is the man. His final statement was touching, and I have to admit, I choked up. This is the man who's had my loyalty for almost a decade. I'll watch him wherever he ends up.

But until Conan is back on the air, all I can say is that I'm with Coco.

2009: From Best to Worst

Update: Having looked over my list for a few days, I decided to re-organize it into a few categories. Though they are still ultimately listed from worst-to-best, here's how I'd describe the seventeen films I saw of 2009.

THE WORST
Old Dogs
The Hangover
2012

DISAPPOINTMENTS
Public Enemies
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
The Informant!
The Princess and the Frog

HONORABLE MENTIONS
Where The Wild Things Are
Brüno
Zombieland
Avatar
Watchmen

TOP FIVE
5. Inglourious Basterds
4. Up in the Air
3. Moon
2. Up
1. District 9

There you have it. May 2010 bring you all a happy new year and a wondrous new decade of movie viewing... and shit.

"Up in the Air" soars

I think I can safely say that I've seen all of the 2009 movies that I want to see/are available to see.

UP IN THE AIR (2009)

It's no coincidence that Ryan Bingham is an expert in traveling light.

Such is the life of Bingham (George Clooney), a man so emotionally cut off that he has no "personal baggage;" a man that lives hub-to-hub, hotel-to-hotel, flying away from whatever connections he makes in the sheer seconds it takes to buy a plane ticket.

"Up in the Air," Jason Reitman's directorial follow-up to 2007's "Juno," tackles some of today's most stressful issues but with enough Hollywood schmaltz to keep you from hanging yourself from the rafters of the cinema.

Bingham works for a company hired out to fire employees en masse, flying cross-country to do so. When an ambitious young newcomer to the company suggests that they move to carry out firings with webcams to cut costs and boost efficiency, Bingham feels threatened that his livelihood will be ransacked; that he will be forced to settle down somewhere and make commitment.

Reitman's commentary on the modern day social disconnect — something in which technology can easily be considered a culprit — is one that rings true, especially when transplanted to the character arc of Bingham. Does it serve as the catalyst to bring him toward a life with love, stability, and a house instead of a hotel room?

Guess you'll have to find out for yourself.

A-

"Avatar," fuck yeah!

I never thought I'd see pterodactyls versus airplanes in a movie. Thank you "Avatar."

AVATAR (2009)

"Avatar" is much like an Ohio State football game. For fifty-nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds, all you get is running up the middle and punts.

But then, at the last second, Tressel sends in his favorite unit, the field goal team, to boot the game-winning field goal through the uprights. With another notch in the win column, everyone goes home happy, blissfully neglecting the frustration of the first 3,599 seconds of the match.

"Avatar," a 160 minute epic, is much the same, building up and building up until a rousing and epic action finale that is sure to boost your testosterone levels up to "Jersey Shore" levels of unfathomable. That's not to say "Avatar" is perfect, as it is very much not so, suffering from an almost infinite level of exposition, as well as an overly simplistic story and the aesthetic of a video game, but in the end, "Avatar" is a rewarding, true-blue example of cinematic escapism that sends audiences off right.

The CGI ain't perfect - it's still noticeable and it's used in abundance - but it's used almost as well as any film that's used in it such force before it. On a technical level, "Avatar" is solid, though I'd be cautious to call it groundbreaking as the technical accomplishments of "Avatar" leave me wary of the future of filmmaking. But I suppose that's all a matter of preference, is it not? After all, the advances in computer graphics made the pros of "Avatar" possible.

Still though, despite its lengthy buildup, "Avatar" is a fine piece of escapism, one that takes us to other worlds and immerses us in their environment. Literally. And while the parallels to other films might instill an unwanted sense of deja vu ("'Dances with Wolves' in Space" is a common and accurate descriptor), "Avatar" serves up enough entertainment value to make the dent in your wallet entirely forgettable.

B

Duncan Jones shoots for the "Moon"

There have been quite a few allegedly great films that I've missed this year, so with awards season kicking into gear, I figure I might as well try to catch up now. After finally getting "Inglourious Basterds" and "The Hangover" under my belt, next in the queue was...

MOON (2009)

"I am the one and only."

Such poignant verse to describe the lonely, desolate nature of the moon, the place where Sam Bell (Sam Rockwell), a contract employee for a corporation mining the moon for alternative energy on Earth, has spent the last three years destitute of civilization.

"Moon," the freshman project of director Duncan Jones, is a triumph; a taut and thrilling science fiction adventure without the frills of contemporary outer space cinema. Conjuring up the echos of genre classics "2001: A Space Odyssey" and "Alien" as well as recent successes like Danny Boyle's "Sunshine," "Moon" is a terse, atmospheric film that succeeds in capturing the reclusive nature of the great beyond.

"Moon" has enough twists and turns to keep audiences interested, though despite its brisk 97 minute runtime, "Moon" tends to bog down in its midsection. However, a slow-moving middle isn't enough to bring "Moon" down as the flick benefits from a tour-de-force performance from Sam Rockwell, beautifully sterile production design, and a brooding, atmospheric musical accompaniment from Clint Mansell.

Though "Moon" presents nothing particularly new thematically with its presentation of space and its critique of big business, its translation to a lunar setting is fresh and commendable. Despite not being the spectacle of other recent sci-fi blockbusters like "Star Trek" and "Transformers," "Moon" is a thrilling, smart, and wonderfully lensed science fiction tale that shoots for the moon and succeeds in every way.

A-

"The Hangover" is the filmic equivalent to an actual hangover

Spoiler: The story of "The Hangover" is based around the fact that the four lead characters are accidentally roofied. As for me, well, I would have voluntarily roofied myself before watching "The Hangover" had I known what was about to pillage my senses for two hours.

THE HANGOVER (2009)

"The Hangover" has done something unimaginable. Without getting too hyperbolic, "The Hangover" has joined the ranks of cinema's greatest comedic achievements, alongside such titles as "Schindler's List," "Requiem for a Dream," and the part in "Bambi" when Bambi's mom died.

It's that unfunny.

But what can you expect from a film that appeals to the lowest common denominator? "The Hangover" is a celluloid wet dream for every frat guy in America; every bro's desire in life fulfilled. Really, it is...

Get drunk. Go to Vegas. Forget everything.

And what's up with this cast? Apart from Zack Galifianakis stealing the show, the rest of the non-farcical foursome falls horribly flat, with "The Office" star Ed Helms falling the hardest.

The biggest problem with "The Hangover" is one that tends to be particularly problematic for comedies: it's just not funny. It aims to be comical and misses the mark wildly, ultimately being 100 minutes of unfunny exposition that builds up to an unfunny denouement.

A blending of "Three Men and a Baby," "Tommy Boy," and "Old School," "The Hangover" winds up being a tremendous misfire; a flick that runs its duration without more than a snide snicker or an occasional throwback to an unoriginal plot device. Easily the most wildly overrated film of the year, "The Hangover" is a complete swing-and-a-miss that does little more than appeal to the popped-collar inside all of us.

D

"Inglourious Basterds" offers up fun... and body parts

I remember the weekend "Inglourious Basterds" came out. It was the weekend I puked up my kidney, had a 137 degree fever, sweat away 20% of my body weight in water, and lost my appetite for four days.

Bright side? I was thin and sexy. Down side? I missed the opening weekend for "Inglourious Basterds." A short review ensues.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (2009)

You can usually pick out familiar cues in auteur cinema. Kubrick had the long tracking shots. Hitchcock had his focus on camera tricks.

Tarantino has gratuitous instances of intestines and brain matter being sprayed in your face.

"Inglourious Basterds" is no different from the other chapters in Tarantino's bloody library, only this time, over-the-top gore complements a pulpy, oh-how-we-wish-it-turned-out-that-way take on Hitler's Nazi reign during World War II. Though dialogue runs rampant, almost to the point that the film's 152 minute runtime starts to slack, the silly, overly-cinematic use of poetic (or in this case, historic?) license results in a fun, though incessantly gory, historical satire.

Despite being pedantic in pace as well as serving as a medium for Quentin Tarantino to jerk off to human carnage for mass audiences, "Basterds," benefiting from wondrous and exuberant performances from Christoph Waltz and Brad Pitt, serves up a fun, gory, and overly theatrical fictionalized account of World War II sure to rouse audiences, most especially in its final thirty minutes.

While talk of "Basterds" being the best film of the decade might be a bit of hyperbole, "Inglourious Basterds" is still a two-and-a-half-hour celebration of cinema that brings together superb storytelling and eccentric thespianism in successful form.

A-

"The Princess and the Frog" teaches stereotypes to a new generation

Brought to you by the same civil rights activists that gave the world "Song of the South," comes...

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG (2009)

Let's face it. Pixar pissed people off.

When Disney/Pixar's "Toy Story" opened to unforeseen success in 1995, purists proclaimed it the end of an era; the death-blow to the long reign of hand-drawn animation. Disney's "Nine Old Men" were now "ninety-year-old men." Computers were in. Paper-and-pencil were faux pas.

A decade-and-a-half later, and under the supervision of John Lasseter as executive producer and Chief Creative Officer of Walt Disney Animation Studios (and ironically the founder of Pixar), Mickey and company are back doing what they do best, though sadly, their un-retirement isn't up-to-par.

"The Princess and the Frog" tells a familiar fable of ordinary Disney proportions. Though character work is fleshed and thoughtful, the story lacks any sense of iconic weight that propelled previous hand-drawn Disney classics to fame. Musical numbers at times pull their weight in heart and charm, but at other times are superfluous and boggy.

The animation here recalls the films of Disney past, though at times the computer-enhancement seems jarring. Still though, Disney's flourishing color palettes shine and the classic character designs pull through, making "The Princess and the Frog" a trip down memory lane that's worth the price of admission.

However, the one problem plaguing "The Princess and the Frog" is one that the hand-drawn Disney films have had for decades now and have shown an unwillingness to change. "The Princess and the Frog" has no qualms bringing stereotypes to life, moreso typecasting the people (and animals, I guess) of Louisiana as toothless, jazz-loving Cajuns who want to do nothing more than eat gumbo and play with voodoo.

Is that really something you want to perpetuate in your child's head?

Regardless, "The Princess and the Frog" serves as an adequate memory-jolt of the classic Disney films that are staples in everyone's library. Though the film lacks the iconography of the more heralded Disney flicks and seems to have no problem painting the picture that all Southerners have rampant tooth decay and a love for Tobasco sauce, "The Princess and the Frog" remains an apt 97 minutes of Disney magic rekindled for a new generation of movie-goers.

B-

"Old Dogs" should be put down

PETA can blow me.

OLD DOGS (2009)

Picture this: You go to the movies. The lights go down, the film reel starts up.

Then, out of the darkness, a shadowy figure - one that looks a lot like John Travolta - comes along, unzips their pants, and lays a hot, steaming pile right in your lap. Not finished, the shadowy figure slowly turns around and lets a golden shower loose right into your eye sockets. And to complete this triple crown of bodily function doom, the guy bends down, opens his mouth, and projectile vomits square into your piehole.

That's about what watching "Old Dogs" was like.

"Old Dogs" tells the tail (get it?) of two annoying, washed-up actors who run a sports agency. There's an old dog, hot old women, piss-poor child actors, Seth Green, and other shit in there too, but it really doesn't matter because you're not going to watch this movie anyway.

Likely the reason why Bernie Mac died, "Old Dogs" is a miserable excuse for slapstick humor, one that falters in every sense of professional filmmaking. Though John Travolta and Robin Williams make for a more-than-impressive dramatis personae, no amount of starpower could save this trainwreck. Full of cheap gags and cheap humor, "Old Dogs," the Aldi's of major motion pictures, is an hour-and-a-half of sensory rape that no respectable human should be subject to.

F

2012 brings the apocalypse of the brain

Preface: Don't ever see an idiotic movie on vicodin. Drowsiness does not tango with dying brain cells.

2012 (2009)

They say movies are a recession-proof business. It's true. The escapism of movies allows the everyday Joe Schmo to get away from the horrors of their 9-to-5.

But don't tell that to "2012" director Roland Emmerich.

Emmerich's newest chapter in his disaster porn autobiography is one that bottoms out in IQ, resulting in a movie-going experience akin to getting poked in the eye with needles laden with AIDS continuously for 158 grueling minutes of cinematic plundering.

I'm not even going to bother with an intricate plot synopsis, mostly because there is no [intricate] plot to begin with. The jist of the story is that a solar-flare-of-death happens and causes the layers of the Earth to get completely fucked. Then things blow up. That's "2012."

"2012" (or "Ericsson" as it will further be called thanks to blatant Sony product placement) is essentially a B-movie with an A-budget; a film that fails on every creative level with the subtlety of a shotgun barrel to boot. A narrative as emaciated as an Olsen Twin, the paint-by-numbers reunion of divorced lovers in times of TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION, and rampant cheesy dialogue come together to create a catharsis of bad, worse, and worst elements in the movie version of a Molotov cocktail.

But seriously, John Cusack outrunning the simultaneous implosion of all of Earth while driving through crumbling office buildings and collapsing off-ramps?

as;dlkalksj'f---------------

Sorry, my brain just died.

To make matters worse, Emmerich's third-grade level understanding of thematics and symbolism drives "Ericsson" to unfathomable levels of atrocious. "Ericsson" runs-off a checklist of high school English vocabulary terms, but sadly, it's all handled cheaply and with the nuance of getting hit in the face over and over again with a big black penis.

A series of arks with a boy named Noah on one of them? What a profound Biblical allusion.

Sigh. A big-budget CGI spectacle trying to be something it's not is nothing more than utterly contemptible, laughable for all the wrong reasons, and thoroughly nauseating and unwatchable.

A woeful disaster in every sense of the word, "Ericsson" is a film that should be panned by every self-respecting intelligent being. Though not short on scale, "Ericsson" longs for intelligence, and coupled with a cheese factor that soars to new heights and the intricacy of a NASCAR race, it winds up being a dumbfounding farce of a film that further sinks the cinematic medium to embarrassingly low levels of intelligence.

D-

The WILD THINGS have been found!

Another of my most anticipated movies of 2009 is down, this time it's...

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (2009)

Maurice Sendak's beloved children's novel has hit the screen in glorious fashion.

Directed by Spike Jonze, "Where The Wild Things Are" presents the cherished literary tale in a beautifully preserved order, not only serving up a highly imaginative flick but one that's bleak, melancholy, and at times, not-so-fun.

"Where The Wild Things Are," despite its triumphs, has its flaws; the abundance of shaky-cam is jarring and the story is a little too agile for its own good, lacking a sense of narrative meat even after the wonky first act of exposition. Granted this, "Where The Wild Things Are" still manages to capture the jist of the novel in successful form. The majestically whimsical story, counter-balanced by the dreary atmosphere and dystopian nature of the world of the Wild Things, is sufficiently preserved.

"Wild Things" benefits from an ace voice ensemble, led by James Gandolfini, Forrest Whitaker, Catherine O'Hara, and Chris Cooper. The flick also features a beautifully melancholic score by Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

"Where The Wild Things Are" is a winner; a film that can not only rekindle the wonders of childhood imagination but also provide some mature themes for older audiences to appreciate. While not perfect, and certainly not an innocent 101 minute romp, "Where The Wild Things Are" is an apt adaptation of a beloved piece of children's literature that deserved the respectful and eccentric cinematic imagining it received.

Let the wild rumpus start indeed.

B

ZOMBIELAND hands out gore and laughs!

Another brief review, this one for...

ZOMBIELAND (2009)

As far as modern zombie comedies go, there's "Shaun of the Dead" and, well, just about everyone else. In a genre riddled with camp and silliness, it's hard to find that perfect harmony between gore and comedy, but thanks to directorial newcomer Ruben Fleischer, "Zombieland" strikes that chord flawlessly.

Set against the typical zombie apocalypse, the socially-inept, WOW-playing "Columbus" (Jessie Eisenberg) has somehow survived the revolt of the undead in Austin, Texas and sets forth for Columbus, Ohio (the lead characters are named after the cities they are from or on their way to). On the way he comes across Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), a zombie-killing machine, whose weakness for Twinkies leads them to a confrontation in a grocery store with the feisty Wichita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin). The fearsome zombie-killing-foursome then head off for California and the supposed zombie-free magical amusement park Pacific Playland but not without some serious sexual tension, Bill Murray, and awesome zombie ownage mixed in.

Though "Zombieland" is a little light on actual zombies, the flick has more than enough laughs to compensate. Woody Harrelson turns in a bravura performance as the cool and funny yet flawed hero Tallahassee and Eisenberg's go as the dorky guy - as clichéd as it is - works.

While gory and over-the-top, "Zombieland" delivers laughs, gore, and cool zombie kills. It's nothing particularly profound but it's wildly entertaining and zany enough to make it worthwhile.

B+

In other news, the much anticipated "Toy Story 3" trailer hit the interwebs (and showings of the "Toy Story" and "Toy Story 2" 3D double feature) this week. Here it is in all of its beautifully-rendered glory:

"Toy Story 3" hits theaters on June 18, 2010.

Matt Damon!

A brief review for MATT DAMON! in...

THE INFORMANT! (2009)

This hadn't really been on my radar until I started seeing the commercials for it flood the air over the last couple weeks. A strong feeling of "Burn After Reading" rocked my soul, and since I thoroughly enjoyed said theatrical adventure, "The Informant" had made its way to my cinematic horizon.

"The Informant!" is a dark comedy; a flick that exposes big business and the buffoonery behind it. When Mark Whitacre (Damon) supposedly busts open a lead on a mole in the company, he seeks out the help of FBI agents Brian Shepard (Scott Bakula) and Bob Herndon (Joel McHale) before leading them on a wild goose chase that sends Whitacre to his own demise.

Acclaimed director Steven Soderbergh provides a workman-like dark corporate comedy, though unfortunately, it fails to reach the same stratosphere of entertainment as the superior Coen Bros. flick "Burn After Reading." Despite an intricate and Crichton-esque narrative, as well as some jocular interludes of stream-of-consciousness from Damon, "The Informant!," like "Funny People" before it, fails to find its feet and, in the end, lacks a sense of identity and importance.

Despite being totally absurdist and in-your-face ironic, "The Informant!" is a dark comedy that doesn't satisfy as much as others before it. Though the upped intelligence quotient from your typical, run-of-the-mill Will Ferrell "comedy" is laudable and Damon's eccentric, quirky performance steals the show, the film tended to find itself mired in ironic plot twists and a general sense of bipolarism that held it back from reaching a very attainable level of greatness.

You could do worse this weekend, though. Much, much, much worse. You could see the new Tyler Perry movie.

B-

DISTRICT 9 satisfies my brain and my boy parts

At the beginning of the year, only two dates on my movie calendar were circled. May 29 for Pixar's UP and August 14 for DISTRICT 9. Fortunately for me (and my sanity), both movies absolutely fucking delivered.

DISTRICT 9 (2009)

It was a sad day for many when the much maligned Halo film project was canned.

On the other hand, it was a glorious day when Peter Jackson and Neill Blomkamp decided to make an intelligent and damn cool alien movie that will keep a tent pitched in my pants for the next couple days.

The tale of DISTRICT 9 starts off in the 80's when an alien craft comes to Earth and hovers over Johannesburg, South Africa. After a long period of inactivity, the ship is drilled into and found to contain nearly two million sickly worker aliens absent of their higher-ups. After being forced out of the ship and into a Johannesburg slum called District 9, multinational weapons and research organization MNU takes over control of the camp, looking to harness alien technology and weaponry for profit. Upon a new task to evict the aliens into the new concentration-camp-like District 10, MNU operative Wilkus van der Merwe (Sharlto Copley) accidentally comes in contact with an alien substance, which of course leads to proverbial shit hitting the proverbial fan.

DISTRICT 9 makes some fairly obvious allusions to apartheid and racism, but instead of ever becoming overtly and annoyingly preachy, DISTRICT 9 presents a methodical real-world documentary that transitions to a steroid-induced alien action flick. By no means mistake this for a bad thing as DISTRICT 9 presents a final act as tense and as awesome as you'll see in any science fiction film crafted in the last two decades; an action finale so savvily crafted that I don't know if I can ever look at alien films or projectile pigs in the same light again.

Newcomer Neill Blomkamp's direction is fabulous. Though the documentary aesthetic trend is nothing particularly new these days, its use in DISTRICT 9 heightens the sense of realism to alarming levels. As a sci-fi/alien movie nerd, this particularly tickled my balls. I don't know about everyone else, but I wanna know what happens when aliens land and Will Smith isn't there to talk to them in ebonics. Also on display is South African actor Sharlto Copley (Wikus), a virtual one-man bravado of a performance on which the entire weight of the film's narrative rests.

While DISTRICT 9's unconventional real-life documentary feel may leave casual viewers cold, DISTRICT 9 appeals to the desires of every virgin sci-fi fan that sacrificed two hours jacking it to Pokemon for two hours of basking in DISTRICT 9's glory. DISTRICT 9 never falls to TRANSFORMERS levels of retarded, and while big CGI set pieces can be feasts for the eyes, DISTRICT 9's sparkling visual effects coupled with fuckin' sweet and relatively grounded action and an original story that feels eerily real make DISTRICT 9 a must see for any self-respecting sci-fi fan (or any self-respecting dude, for that matter).

I wanna see this again and again until my balls are empty of my man juices and I am no longer physically capable of producing the chemicals that define me as a male. Don't get me wrong, though. While DISTRICT 9 is a killer action flick, it's a science fiction film that the genre needs. A tremendous and welcome boost in originality and sheer cool factor, DISTRICT 9 is a breath of fresh air that everyone needs to take.

A

JOVIAL HUMANS and the consequent roller coaster of emotions

What will hold me over 'til DISTRICT 9? The answer: DICK JOKES (or FUNNY PEOPLE).

FUNNY PEOPLE (2009)

If you were like most normal high schoolers, or at least like my sisters or Avril Lavigne, you went through the inevitable range of fads as you strove your find your true identity as a teenager. It probably started with the hippie stage, where you smoked grass, crafted such fine art as tye-dye t-shirts and peace quilts, listened to magnanimous musical artists like 311, and lounged around all day accomplishing absolutely nothing. After that, you likely transitioned to the goth stage, when one day you suddenly relished in your own self-loathing and angst at the sight of a Hot Topic at your favorite hang-out spot: the mall. And in the final stage of self-discovery, you came to the realization that you enjoyed the works of immortal wordsmiths like Soulja Boy and Snoop Doggy Dog, wearing t-shirts that are long enough to provide your body complete warmth in the dead of winter, and playing high-stakes casino games like street craps. Yep, you finally realized that you were black.

Judd Apatow's third directorial effort is one that has a noticeable (and similar) identity crisis. While more mature than THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN and KNOCKED UP, FUNNY PEOPLE certainly has its share of the typical Apatow-crew lewd humor. This is all fine and dandy, but for a film that tries to yank at the very cords of your vagina, FUNNY PEOPLE is a film that will leave you at a strange paradox wondering whether or not you found the flick funny or sad.

FUNNY PEOPLE is a nice looking film, thanks especially to the somewhat confusing choice of the renowned Janusz Kaminski as cinematographer. For all intents and purposes, FUNNY PEOPLE is an adequately directed film, highlighted by some old school home movies of Adam Sandler, but the cheese factor that Apatow was able to qualm in his previous rom-coms is laughable in its abundance here. Adam Sandler suffices, but while he delivers a performance certainly better than that of his previous stinkers like LITTLE NICKY and CLICK, he's as dull as dishwater when he's not making his SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE era funny noises (why wasn't this movie called FUNNY NOISES?). A slimmed-down Seth Rogen is also adequate; he's funny but not over-the-top and annoying for those that are tired of his humor.

FUNNY PEOPLE is funny. It has its sad moments, but it never really sold me on the dramatic end. I guess the only real thing that I was sold on walking out of the theater was that I have a crush on Aubrey Plaza. My new most anticipated movie of 2010: SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD. I don't know who you are, Scott Pilgrim, but your girl Aubrey does strange things to my boy parts.

C+

Note: no more stars. Since there are more letter grades than stars (on a five-star scale and without half-stars, and counting pluses and minuses, of course), I like the new abundance of choices with letters better. Maybe I should try to learn the Chinese alphabet for this purpose... Nah, fuck that.

Next up: DISTRICT 9. Fuck yeah!

BRÜNO ist vergnügt!

I don't know of many leading men in film today that are as polarizing as Sacha Baron Cohen. You either loved BORAT or you absolutely despised it. As for me, well, BORAT was a true side-splitter, and the highly anticipated follow-up BRUNO was certainly no let-down.

BRÜNO (2009)

Buttons are pushed. People are mad. Dildos are inserted.

BRUNO goes there.

The follow up to Sacha Baron Cohen's 2006 smash-hit mockumentary BORAT, BRUNO is both a resounding triumph of jocosity as well as another perspicacious look into the naiveté of overly-conservative culture. Looking for a new highway to fame after a disastrous fashion show incident, Bruno heads off for America looking to start fresh as an A-lister. After some utterly outlandish attempts for quick fame fall to the wayside — including a talk show where Paula Abdul sits on Mexicans, an uncomfortably funny spinning and talking wiener, and the adoption of an African baby named O.J. — Bruno realizes that going straight is the only alternative, seeking the help of some sidesplitting confrontations with "gay converting" priests, good ol' boy hunters, and an arena full of bloodthirsty hicks at a cage match.

There are quite a bit of incommodious moments in BRUNO that are sure to weed out those who are easily offended by such antics. BRUNO makes no qualms to push the button in terms of what folks find socially and morally acceptable straight from the get-go, including a completely absurd montage involving an exercise bike turned into a dildo inserter. A film for the squeamish BRUNO ain't, but beyond all of the excessive homosexuality, penises in strange suction cups, and ridiculous gay caricatures, BRUNO is a film that, like BORAT, is an eye-opener into how the supposedly culturally liberal West is, in fact, quite the opposite.

BRUNO is lewd, shocking, and downright hilarious. And let's face it, if we were talking about BARBARA instead of BRUNO and audiences were being barraged with boobs instead of balls, not nearly as many common folk would walk out of the theaters with their panties in a bunch. That's why BRUNO is genius — the people that Sacha Baron Cohen is making fun of are exactly the type of people that are offended by his provocative and shocking commentaries.

Bravo, Mr. Cohen. You know how to make me laugh.

Though I should probably be in the hospital getting the ulcer I undoubtedly got from the 80 minutes of laughter that BRUNO gave me, I'm going to give a mid-year run-down of the few films that interested me enough to go see:

1. UP
2. BRUNO
3. WATCHMEN
4. TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN
5. PUBLIC ENEMIES

Next up is DISTRICT 9 on August 14, but since Judd Apatow really knows how to tickle my private parts, I'm sure I'll be catching FUNNY PEOPLE at some point prior to the release of DISTRICT 9. I'm okay with that. *shrug*