OLD DOGS (2009)
Picture this: You go to the movies. The lights go down, the film reel starts up.
Then, out of the darkness, a shadowy figure - one that looks a lot like John Travolta - comes along, unzips their pants, and lays a hot, steaming pile right in your lap. Not finished, the shadowy figure slowly turns around and lets a golden shower loose right into your eye sockets. And to complete this triple crown of bodily function doom, the guy bends down, opens his mouth, and projectile vomits square into your piehole.
That's about what watching "Old Dogs" was like.
"Old Dogs" tells the tail (get it?) of two annoying, washed-up actors who run a sports agency. There's an old dog, hot old women, piss-poor child actors, Seth Green, and other shit in there too, but it really doesn't matter because you're not going to watch this movie anyway.
Then, out of the darkness, a shadowy figure - one that looks a lot like John Travolta - comes along, unzips their pants, and lays a hot, steaming pile right in your lap. Not finished, the shadowy figure slowly turns around and lets a golden shower loose right into your eye sockets. And to complete this triple crown of bodily function doom, the guy bends down, opens his mouth, and projectile vomits square into your piehole.
That's about what watching "Old Dogs" was like.
"Old Dogs" tells the tail (get it?) of two annoying, washed-up actors who run a sports agency. There's an old dog, hot old women, piss-poor child actors, Seth Green, and other shit in there too, but it really doesn't matter because you're not going to watch this movie anyway.
Likely the reason why Bernie Mac died, "Old Dogs" is a miserable excuse for slapstick humor, one that falters in every sense of professional filmmaking. Though John Travolta and Robin Williams make for a more-than-impressive dramatis personae, no amount of starpower could save this trainwreck. Full of cheap gags and cheap humor, "Old Dogs," the Aldi's of major motion pictures, is an hour-and-a-half of sensory rape that no respectable human should be subject to.
F
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