2012 brings the apocalypse of the brain

Preface: Don't ever see an idiotic movie on vicodin. Drowsiness does not tango with dying brain cells.

2012 (2009)

They say movies are a recession-proof business. It's true. The escapism of movies allows the everyday Joe Schmo to get away from the horrors of their 9-to-5.

But don't tell that to "2012" director Roland Emmerich.

Emmerich's newest chapter in his disaster porn autobiography is one that bottoms out in IQ, resulting in a movie-going experience akin to getting poked in the eye with needles laden with AIDS continuously for 158 grueling minutes of cinematic plundering.

I'm not even going to bother with an intricate plot synopsis, mostly because there is no [intricate] plot to begin with. The jist of the story is that a solar-flare-of-death happens and causes the layers of the Earth to get completely fucked. Then things blow up. That's "2012."

"2012" (or "Ericsson" as it will further be called thanks to blatant Sony product placement) is essentially a B-movie with an A-budget; a film that fails on every creative level with the subtlety of a shotgun barrel to boot. A narrative as emaciated as an Olsen Twin, the paint-by-numbers reunion of divorced lovers in times of TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION, and rampant cheesy dialogue come together to create a catharsis of bad, worse, and worst elements in the movie version of a Molotov cocktail.

But seriously, John Cusack outrunning the simultaneous implosion of all of Earth while driving through crumbling office buildings and collapsing off-ramps?

as;dlkalksj'f---------------

Sorry, my brain just died.

To make matters worse, Emmerich's third-grade level understanding of thematics and symbolism drives "Ericsson" to unfathomable levels of atrocious. "Ericsson" runs-off a checklist of high school English vocabulary terms, but sadly, it's all handled cheaply and with the nuance of getting hit in the face over and over again with a big black penis.

A series of arks with a boy named Noah on one of them? What a profound Biblical allusion.

Sigh. A big-budget CGI spectacle trying to be something it's not is nothing more than utterly contemptible, laughable for all the wrong reasons, and thoroughly nauseating and unwatchable.

A woeful disaster in every sense of the word, "Ericsson" is a film that should be panned by every self-respecting intelligent being. Though not short on scale, "Ericsson" longs for intelligence, and coupled with a cheese factor that soars to new heights and the intricacy of a NASCAR race, it winds up being a dumbfounding farce of a film that further sinks the cinematic medium to embarrassingly low levels of intelligence.

D-

The WILD THINGS have been found!

Another of my most anticipated movies of 2009 is down, this time it's...

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (2009)

Maurice Sendak's beloved children's novel has hit the screen in glorious fashion.

Directed by Spike Jonze, "Where The Wild Things Are" presents the cherished literary tale in a beautifully preserved order, not only serving up a highly imaginative flick but one that's bleak, melancholy, and at times, not-so-fun.

"Where The Wild Things Are," despite its triumphs, has its flaws; the abundance of shaky-cam is jarring and the story is a little too agile for its own good, lacking a sense of narrative meat even after the wonky first act of exposition. Granted this, "Where The Wild Things Are" still manages to capture the jist of the novel in successful form. The majestically whimsical story, counter-balanced by the dreary atmosphere and dystopian nature of the world of the Wild Things, is sufficiently preserved.

"Wild Things" benefits from an ace voice ensemble, led by James Gandolfini, Forrest Whitaker, Catherine O'Hara, and Chris Cooper. The flick also features a beautifully melancholic score by Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

"Where The Wild Things Are" is a winner; a film that can not only rekindle the wonders of childhood imagination but also provide some mature themes for older audiences to appreciate. While not perfect, and certainly not an innocent 101 minute romp, "Where The Wild Things Are" is an apt adaptation of a beloved piece of children's literature that deserved the respectful and eccentric cinematic imagining it received.

Let the wild rumpus start indeed.

B

ZOMBIELAND hands out gore and laughs!

Another brief review, this one for...

ZOMBIELAND (2009)

As far as modern zombie comedies go, there's "Shaun of the Dead" and, well, just about everyone else. In a genre riddled with camp and silliness, it's hard to find that perfect harmony between gore and comedy, but thanks to directorial newcomer Ruben Fleischer, "Zombieland" strikes that chord flawlessly.

Set against the typical zombie apocalypse, the socially-inept, WOW-playing "Columbus" (Jessie Eisenberg) has somehow survived the revolt of the undead in Austin, Texas and sets forth for Columbus, Ohio (the lead characters are named after the cities they are from or on their way to). On the way he comes across Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), a zombie-killing machine, whose weakness for Twinkies leads them to a confrontation in a grocery store with the feisty Wichita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin). The fearsome zombie-killing-foursome then head off for California and the supposed zombie-free magical amusement park Pacific Playland but not without some serious sexual tension, Bill Murray, and awesome zombie ownage mixed in.

Though "Zombieland" is a little light on actual zombies, the flick has more than enough laughs to compensate. Woody Harrelson turns in a bravura performance as the cool and funny yet flawed hero Tallahassee and Eisenberg's go as the dorky guy - as clichéd as it is - works.

While gory and over-the-top, "Zombieland" delivers laughs, gore, and cool zombie kills. It's nothing particularly profound but it's wildly entertaining and zany enough to make it worthwhile.

B+

In other news, the much anticipated "Toy Story 3" trailer hit the interwebs (and showings of the "Toy Story" and "Toy Story 2" 3D double feature) this week. Here it is in all of its beautifully-rendered glory:

"Toy Story 3" hits theaters on June 18, 2010.

Matt Damon!

A brief review for MATT DAMON! in...

THE INFORMANT! (2009)

This hadn't really been on my radar until I started seeing the commercials for it flood the air over the last couple weeks. A strong feeling of "Burn After Reading" rocked my soul, and since I thoroughly enjoyed said theatrical adventure, "The Informant" had made its way to my cinematic horizon.

"The Informant!" is a dark comedy; a flick that exposes big business and the buffoonery behind it. When Mark Whitacre (Damon) supposedly busts open a lead on a mole in the company, he seeks out the help of FBI agents Brian Shepard (Scott Bakula) and Bob Herndon (Joel McHale) before leading them on a wild goose chase that sends Whitacre to his own demise.

Acclaimed director Steven Soderbergh provides a workman-like dark corporate comedy, though unfortunately, it fails to reach the same stratosphere of entertainment as the superior Coen Bros. flick "Burn After Reading." Despite an intricate and Crichton-esque narrative, as well as some jocular interludes of stream-of-consciousness from Damon, "The Informant!," like "Funny People" before it, fails to find its feet and, in the end, lacks a sense of identity and importance.

Despite being totally absurdist and in-your-face ironic, "The Informant!" is a dark comedy that doesn't satisfy as much as others before it. Though the upped intelligence quotient from your typical, run-of-the-mill Will Ferrell "comedy" is laudable and Damon's eccentric, quirky performance steals the show, the film tended to find itself mired in ironic plot twists and a general sense of bipolarism that held it back from reaching a very attainable level of greatness.

You could do worse this weekend, though. Much, much, much worse. You could see the new Tyler Perry movie.

B-

DISTRICT 9 satisfies my brain and my boy parts

At the beginning of the year, only two dates on my movie calendar were circled. May 29 for Pixar's UP and August 14 for DISTRICT 9. Fortunately for me (and my sanity), both movies absolutely fucking delivered.

DISTRICT 9 (2009)

It was a sad day for many when the much maligned Halo film project was canned.

On the other hand, it was a glorious day when Peter Jackson and Neill Blomkamp decided to make an intelligent and damn cool alien movie that will keep a tent pitched in my pants for the next couple days.

The tale of DISTRICT 9 starts off in the 80's when an alien craft comes to Earth and hovers over Johannesburg, South Africa. After a long period of inactivity, the ship is drilled into and found to contain nearly two million sickly worker aliens absent of their higher-ups. After being forced out of the ship and into a Johannesburg slum called District 9, multinational weapons and research organization MNU takes over control of the camp, looking to harness alien technology and weaponry for profit. Upon a new task to evict the aliens into the new concentration-camp-like District 10, MNU operative Wilkus van der Merwe (Sharlto Copley) accidentally comes in contact with an alien substance, which of course leads to proverbial shit hitting the proverbial fan.

DISTRICT 9 makes some fairly obvious allusions to apartheid and racism, but instead of ever becoming overtly and annoyingly preachy, DISTRICT 9 presents a methodical real-world documentary that transitions to a steroid-induced alien action flick. By no means mistake this for a bad thing as DISTRICT 9 presents a final act as tense and as awesome as you'll see in any science fiction film crafted in the last two decades; an action finale so savvily crafted that I don't know if I can ever look at alien films or projectile pigs in the same light again.

Newcomer Neill Blomkamp's direction is fabulous. Though the documentary aesthetic trend is nothing particularly new these days, its use in DISTRICT 9 heightens the sense of realism to alarming levels. As a sci-fi/alien movie nerd, this particularly tickled my balls. I don't know about everyone else, but I wanna know what happens when aliens land and Will Smith isn't there to talk to them in ebonics. Also on display is South African actor Sharlto Copley (Wikus), a virtual one-man bravado of a performance on which the entire weight of the film's narrative rests.

While DISTRICT 9's unconventional real-life documentary feel may leave casual viewers cold, DISTRICT 9 appeals to the desires of every virgin sci-fi fan that sacrificed two hours jacking it to Pokemon for two hours of basking in DISTRICT 9's glory. DISTRICT 9 never falls to TRANSFORMERS levels of retarded, and while big CGI set pieces can be feasts for the eyes, DISTRICT 9's sparkling visual effects coupled with fuckin' sweet and relatively grounded action and an original story that feels eerily real make DISTRICT 9 a must see for any self-respecting sci-fi fan (or any self-respecting dude, for that matter).

I wanna see this again and again until my balls are empty of my man juices and I am no longer physically capable of producing the chemicals that define me as a male. Don't get me wrong, though. While DISTRICT 9 is a killer action flick, it's a science fiction film that the genre needs. A tremendous and welcome boost in originality and sheer cool factor, DISTRICT 9 is a breath of fresh air that everyone needs to take.

A